Note III

please don't ask questions. i wont answer them.
truthfully.
understand i cannot be what you want. what you need.
entirely.

know this.

when we talk. if we do. i am yours.
but only then.

i am sorry.
but sorry is a weak word.
and we are a strong thought.

remember to dream. always dream

my love.

like you always have.
because i still do.


and dreams dont have to hurt like life does.

removed.

dont hold me to these words for tomorrow they will change.
my brain is like the bottom of the cereal bowl. soggy, left over, mush.
it wont produce anything pretty. or anything with a value.
it wont stop spinning. i walk in circles.
around my house, and bedroom, and bed.
in the sheets i toss and turn and spin and wind.
like a batter about to throw his pitch.
except i never let go of the ball.
the ball is heavy.
my words are all caught up somewhere again.
i remember this feeling.
and now i just want to be alone.
to remove myself from the world i dont understand.
and once im removed i will write pretty songs.
and pretty pictures i will paint.
once again i will be pretty.
once i am removed.
the mirrors maybe then wont be so disgusting.
and my feet wont hurt so much.
from all the walking. all the running.
my mind might not be so soggy.
and i will be okay.
will i be okay?


p.s. if your worried about me...maybe you should be. (refer to line 1)

sketch I

feeling sketchy...

ensenada, mexico

Have you seen your Jezebel?
You can blame her if it makes you feel whole. You can tear down the walls of her heart and destroy her soul. You can puncture holes in her skin and curse your sword into her side. The beauty will run down your hands and stain your accusing lips.


She knows it heals you. She knows in a way no one knows. She will still cradle you in the night if you call her name. You know she will not tell a soul, for her price is higher than yours. She will take your pain and make it her own. She will carry it. She has already for so long.
Have you seen Jezebel?

catalina islands III

dare i write to you?
dare i reach for your grip on my naked soul?
dare i let you stay within myself?
all of your treasures you share;
unforgiving and demanding.
i still crave your habits;
my unacceptable feelings haunt these days.
would you find comfort in knowing these things?
inside of me,
hope remains.
a hope that breaks hearts
and weakens those who sip the poison.

these are neither lies nor truths. these are feelings, as pure as they come. i empty my heart into these words and remember all of you - aligning in my mind.

catalina islands II

i remember the night i could not find the moon. how my heart tore in two. the tears streaked my face. deep inside my being, the agony of the unsure burned. the pain real, yet life giving. a terrible drive to stay true. stay true. stay true.

catalina islands I

will my heart always remain broken? previous lovers continue to pace my spinning mind. i told the truth and sorted out the life i live, yet my feelings still tangle and imprison me. each part of me remembers each one of you. not a single space my own. in hopes these feelings fade, i continue. i listen the best i can to my heart and pray for peace and strength .