Lasting thoughts after long nights

I am not sad or mad;

I am alone.

I do not crave attention:

I make plans.

I reminisce less;

Like you.

I have become comfortable with my own conversation.

When my body gets too big and craves to be held, I do not turn to another.

I simply break down

on my bed

(or in my car)

and cry. 

"Crying"

doesn't last as long as it used to. 

I let my pain fill me up.

I accept my present existence. 

I know myself better every day.

My reflections.
My comparisons.
My anxiety of understanding

or the lack thereof.

I want you to know my being like you know your own -
without distance.
I want you to know my heart like you know your own -
without question.

Josh's birthday, Chris's Post Bachelor party

2017
texts to old friends
run
shower quick
tequila and you
boys night
cigarette ride
3309 and
acrylic paint
immediate
filling of void
dishes done
washes off layers
of charcoal
and

To live in hotels

I start travel this upcoming week.
I'll pretend to be glamours....all the pretty things to myself.
Such a selfish endeavor.
(You're a poisonous thing.)
Have you been scared of yourself?
If you have been, you know how liberating escape is!

Casper Pulaski Day

No I don't have cancer. I'm not terminal. But my brain is sick and I'm having a hard time. Would you come around if I was terminal? Such an evil thing to think about...but maybe the most uniting?

Medication does not help. What's wrong?

I avoid it. "I'm okay." (Please hear me out.)

before i die.

*I'm still breathing. All are welcome.

Clan MacGregor

I don't want this for anyone else.
Life hurts too much in these genes.
It's a sting that is beyond explanation; something you can't pass down, get through, overcome.
You search.
And as much as I'd love to love something from inside of me, I know it's innocence will be burdened by all I can't overcome.
My art school babies....those gentle beings...is what I live for. Our past doesn't need to come from the same, but it's aligned in a similar place. A community of white flags. "Finally I fit in." "I know I should be here." I support.
But I can't bring another life into this place with these struggles I know too well.

Dad

31 minutes.
I tell you about the separation.
I am fine. You know it. I know.
But we also both know it's hard.
You make me feel so proud.
Thanks Dad.

Night Ride

With whiskey in my thermos, I walked towards the full moon. After I reached the end of the streets, I kissed her goodbye. I rented a bike and rode til my thighs burned. I couldn't find her house and I am tired of talking.

Capricorn Full Moon

how strong is the "delete" button? Is it as redeeming as it feels? Am I safer? Stronger? Better? Healed?

I delete your number, our friends numbers, my Facebook, our life.
I'll be okay.

I'm writing again right? write? hahaha

You know I've been going crazy for a while now. I'm not sure if I blame you yet. I don't think it's healthy to blame anyone. But in this instance, our energy has to go somewhere? Truth is, we both messed up. I'm not going to carry this around like the others. I really did love you. My fucked up brain still believes your my partner.

You fix doors, I make red sauce. I invite you in. You tell me your busy. You don't answer my call. I text too much....thinking of you fixing all the broken things around you. Fuck, you know i'd help! Let me! Let me fix the broken door. I'm familiar. But you let me be the monster. You let us be the monster.

How can I talk to anyone. It's fucked right?

I still feel you between my legs, in my head, on my skin. I know my brain is already busy forgetting things. I didn't want you to be one of them.

There is no place for nostalgia in vanity.

In the front of one of your many houses,
you said white and pink roses grew.

They reminded your mother of her home.

You took them out of the ground,
and replaced them with the proper weeds.

Are they dead now?

8/18/14

Can I still sleep in your home tonight?
By all means, meet your friend and stay out as late as choose.
But can I be in your bed when you do arrive?
I will fall asleep before your car pulls in to the driveway,
But when you crawl into bed I may ask you to tell me a story.

9/14/14 (hard fall)

The Changing of Seasons

(More than anything, I want my seasons to be my own.)

9/16/14

It is difficult to write things down. Sentences fail to formulate; ideas and thoughts do not relate to the subject matter; the pronouns feel strange. This is an old story with a new context - a beautiful context. I care, therefore I am heavy. And this is very heavy to carry.