Finally

And there you sit

And there do i

And everyone else all around

And finally we share the same air

(i inhale your exhale)
(delightfully breathing)

And the room was filled with energy
And the space was static

And only i knew

And maybe You too
And the times before danced around

(shadows on the wall)
(only lovers can see)
(only lovers can feel)

And i wanted You

And could think nothing else

Crumb

A bird with a crumb
Brought home from far away
A yellow bird perhaps
A magical crumb maybe
A hope of existence
Then one special day
Caught up in desperate emotion
Suddenly filling and satisfying
The crumb was spent
And instead of gone
The crumb stayed with the bird
In the middle, between breaths
Through the winter and the next
Bringing the bird life
A beautiful life
Because of a crumb
A magical crumb

Black

my charcoal and mascara smudging my world erasing reality

becoming black

other lives. (black tables)

Where are You now?

Today i went to breakfast with my dad. I didn't tell him about the ghosts. Instead we talked about art school, and eggs-over-easy, and missing people, and flat tires. Someone said hi to him and he said hi back. And then we talked about that for some time too. I wanted to cry. I really dont know why. But the tears stuck around for a while after. They hung out all day. Swirling with my contacts, teasing my mascara. I never did cry.
Does that make me better?
I took a very long nap before noon. The sun was very bright in my room, but i still managed to sleep. I even dreamed. I dreamed about sleeping. When i woke up in my dream the clock said 3:50 PM. My room was a mess, like someone came in and searched for something. Then i really woke up. It was only 1:38 PM. My room was still a mess, but i knew no one was in it. Only me, and the very bright sun.
Taylor and I had coffee for a dollar eighty. Tis the season with Apple Cinnamon and Java. She was grounded but we still talked. It was nice. Until the vacuum started. I brought her home and the lake was all glassy. Light yellow and cornflower blue. Some ducks floated on top. I wonder if they get scared of fish biting their toes like i do?
The bike ride was fabulous. Made my heart beat faster than it has for a while. The crisp air all cold and fast against my nose. I was home in 38 minutes, right before dark. The time of day when the sky begins to close its eye lids and everything becomes fuzzy. I came home at that time and screeched my tires against the drive way. That made me smile.
My mom seemed sad when i walked in. She sat at the computer with her checkbook and droopy shoulders. She smelled like leaves and i wish she would have hugged me. I could have smelt the leaves more. My sister was gone. Again. I miss her i think. And next year i will be gone. This fact is a little devastating.
Now the moon moves outside of the window. Maybe ill watch it for a while.

A Night with a Stranger

Leonid.
Sounds like a nice guy.
Interesting and Intelligent.
Maybe ill spend the night with him.
Until early hours of the morning.


I might tell him about You.
Do You think he will listen?
Leonid.
Sounds like a good listener.
Attractive and Studious.


Do You think he would laugh at my stories;
And not make fun of the way I am.
I might bring up that one that hurts the most.
Leonid.
He would understand.
All quiet and empathetic.


Sounds a lot like You.
Funny how You always come up.
I hope Leonid doesn't mind.
My heart is already Yours.
Sorry Leonid.

A Late Night and My Paintbrush

The stars were crisp and shinning.

Maybe it was the winter air.

Maybe it was the merlot.

Maybe it was the paint thinner.

Maybe it was You.

-writen on a bathroom floor-

Saturday Nov 7th 2009


I am overcome in regret. My past few days have felt like a million different lifetimes. I feel as though i do not deserve these experiences. I am not well enough to handle positive moments. I have created my own misery. Thats what they say. They tell me i have done this to myself.


I do not understand. Why would i do such a thing to myself? Why would i create such an experience with such a predictable outcome? I know what happens next. The water never stops rising.


But neither do my problems. So it is me and these problems i have created. I am an artist, therefore i will ruin my own life and tear into every other. This cannot be my destiny. How can my desires lead to such a destination. I am a misunderstanding.

Drawing 3800 4B

Today the sun decided not to rise

and the darkeness forgot to be on its way.

It is a friday

and my head is full and spinning.

All i know is You.

I wish everyone else would go away

so i could find my way to You.

There is a vital piece i have forgotten

and need to see to become myself.

But i continue to carry on this life;

day after day;

and so do You with her.

For comfort, i pretend You still think of me

in peace

rather then the bitterness i left You in.

I listen to our music;

old but still new to my heart.

Every song is Yours,

and ours,

and holds a story i have yet to write.

The story of us haunts my mind,

and boils my soul until i suddenly beging to spew...

on days like today.

Days when the sun decided not to rise

and the darkness forgot to be on its way.

On these days i feel empty

and alone in my own skin.

i feel alone most of the time.

With my future so uncertain

and my dreams mostly in my mind.

so i keep my mind busy.

except on days like today.

8:41 AM

You are my king

and You dont even know.

Or do you?

Are we still attached somehow

by a tiny string,

from my universe to yours.

Do we still have that.

A beautiful path

paved by music

and freedom

and peace

and love

and everything that makes up You and me.

I like to think so.

I like to meditate on You

and remind everypart of me You.

All the times we shared.

All of our expressions

and all of You.

Just all of You.

(sketch)

I cant draw. I cant draw You!

(sketch)

And who am i to draw me?

I wish You would draw me.

or at least attempt inside of Your precious mind.