sisters

I think all sisters should share a room growing up,
braid each others hair in high school,
and eat dinner together, on a regular basis, for the rest of their lives.

im not here to you

my mouth swollen
my own flesh, thick in the back of my throat
like two hard boiled eggs
except the yoke is still raw and rotten
the eggs burst open
the flesh pockets
blood spews
my mouth swells back, throbbing
i can barely breath
i am flat on my back
ripping at the sides of the bed
clenching the sheets to lift myself up
my head spins heavy
finally i am able to throw myself forward
i see you lying there
deft to my agony
i try yelling to you
i am not heard
tears run down my face
my raw puffy face
you roll to your side in a drunken daze
your eyes flutter open
but you don't see me
you smile and laugh
and mutter some made-up language

i wake up to a foot in the face
and that same smile and laugh and made-up language

Too Dark

11/2/12

I forget what its like to be with my loved ones as a method of defense. All that I have held close has fallen away- or maybe just changed/evolved past my capability. But nontheless, my loved ones evaporate. This space thing is poisin for my head. I roll around in toxic thought with no breath in between. I take in smoke to my lungs and let it numb my surroundings. In return my head speeds. The spinning returns. Stress may have a part in this. I overexert myself out of love for others. Subconsciously. Spider webs. Consequences far greater than before. Disease tunnels through my nerves. Ironically, my lady parts I love with take the fall; tingles between my legs. Ill become a mess again. I will pull myself together again. And then ill josh myself all over again. Its a sick cycle.

To find a soul as sick as mine- would that be the answer?

I invested so much into this but have kid myself with my capability to release all past grudges. I proudly cling to my pain; a trophy in honor of what I will/am able to become. A testement perhaps to all I know I truly am. My core is strong, beautiful, lifegiving. But alone, I become rancid. Can I blame my past. (of course not). I am my only savior. And if I have learned one thing in this life so far it is that life is not fair. Your a sick fuck for ever thinking for a second another one of you exists; a delusional pshycopath for even considering someone will ever accept all the darkness you carry preciously.