Love Now. Love Later.

I want to be impressed.
Someone to bring me to the light.
Show me magic hasn't dissapeared.
The type of thing that pushes back my hair with the back of their hand.
Looks into my eyes and searches for more.
Goes out of their way.
A beautiful, life saving surprise.
Someone to want me.
Around.
I sometimes feel a heavy burden.
Keeping everything alive in a lonely place.
While I am just trying to breath.
and take the next step.
Growing and succeeding and overcomming.
Sometimes i feel like holding my breath.
and waiting for the light.
The dark light.
and never taking the next step.
Just staying in time.
A simple place.
I wish for a simple place.
For love not to hurt like it does.
And tug at my insides.

Edge.

My mother says i have an edge.
That i can make people feel uncomfortable.
That i should be more gentle.
Kinder with my words.
But i have an edge for a reason.

Love

I know i love. I love to the fullest.
And everything i do. I do passionately.
Or i do not do at all.

Purpose

The bird flying over the field is not concerned with the fence posts beneath her.

To be excited.
To be driven.
To be passionate.
To have meaning.
To have direction.
To endure struggles.
To conquer oneself.
To have purpose.

I am an artist.
Nothing stands in my way.

past vs. present

frustrated

I am extremely frustrated.
I believe i am frustrated with society.
with human nature in the 21st century.
frustrated with myself
with my creative voice.
with the quality of my final product.
where is the understanding?
since when do i not make sense? (since always)
in accordance to others:
its too this
too that
more craft
more value
add and
subtract (according to others)

but all i do is
subtract
from myself.
from my creative voice.
from my style and message
for the greater quality of the final product.

is there such thing as a final product? (how bout work in progress)

a powerful potential pulls at me.
my calling.
i sometimes forget this.
and when i do.
whiplash
my heart sets right on track.
a long endless highway of ambition.
a drive to create. (and then make a difference)

but i am so frustrated.

Inside Out

i want to mess up everything. tear down the walls. scream loud in the new born space. at the top of my never failing lungs. until my voices' echo is too loud to bear. and i am free. free of self confinement. reflection upon reflection. listening to the inside of myself. my skin parting for my mouth. usually pinned shut. not quite anymore. the suffering escapes. bottle upon bottle of fermented poison inside. a substance of my past. beautiful enough to attract and suspend. a burden i drag behind me. my insides falling out on the floor. as i scream my face off. i dissemble and break apart. first the walls, then the room, then myself. a colorful representation. a repeat of the inside i have contained for so long.

I love the girls but

I forgot how much i enjoyed the company of myself

When the girls came in at intervals with bags of heels and glitter
I remembered how honest my life is
Raw and messy

When the girls chattered over pizza and chardonnay
I remembered how beautiful silence is
Serene and life giving

It took hours to wake up
to get dressed
to eat
to fall asleep
I remembered how simple my day is
Ritualistic and simple


Loneliness is rather blissful. Never boring.
Maybe empty.
but empty with potential.
and purpose.