January 20th

300 cash in my red pocket pea coat
only white girl on this side of town
you left with a kiss
i cried to my mom
angry father on the other line
smoked a cig with no hands
waited for a roomie to pick me up
soon to be behind the counter
only to return again

Chicago

The train there
,
my legs over yours.
In and out of sleep
,
your profile in my peripheral.
The city backwards
,
our palace for the night.
Out to eat
,
BYOB.
As we searched for a taxi
,
the wind failed to give up.
One glove on your hand
,
the other on my opposite.
We held each other through the stares
,
and the music was fine.
When we came back at night
,
there was some sort of love.
The florescent light from across the street
,
we failed to sleep.

H with a V and a couple S's and me

I could cross my legs and hold my breath
but I am reminded of my past
a shadow that never goes away
even as the sun sways in high noon
there is me and there is you.
And I could look in the mirror and hear your words
the beauty you have spoken from honest lips
the truth reflecting in your eyes
I should believe you

Two letters to Two lovers

I want you both to know, and believe that I have loved you. My love for each of you is far from the same. I know the love you have for me is not alike as well.
- I loved you for your acceptance. I loved you for your mind and your ideology. I loved you for your creativity, your knowledge, and your tenderness towards my difficult personality. I loved you for the dream we created that August so long ago.
-I loved you for your companionship and loyalty. I loved you for your soft heart and your passionate temper. I loved the reality of our relationship and the bittersweet journey you chose to walk with me. Although I loved you for many different reasons,  I also have strayed from both of you equally.
-The perfectness and personal growth we experienced during our first few months was inspiring and terrifying. Like everything in my life that is either good or subject to change, I run from. The intoxication of your presence became an obsession. College was too far away and our relationship became empty; physically.
And that is when I fell for -. The rebellious nature of our relationship attracted me deeper into our time together. You became my battle and my very best friend. I fought for you and held you tight. Our time together was excessive, and I enjoyed almost every minute of it's chaos; until your temper and your stubbornness got in the way. The tension between us grew. Our fights became repetitive. I came down on myself hard. I was going to self destruct if my point was not made clear, or understood.
But I missed you painfully once I left. My pride and independence was empty. I did not know what to do with my freed self.
-I know you love me for my grace, my ear, and my mystery. But your lifestyle is far less mature than mine. When we are apart, you are someone else.
-The confidence you brought me was abundant. I know you see my beauty, and our attraction for one another has never faded. But the grudges you carry, and the habits you contain is lifeless. I know you think I have a pretty face, but I dont think you have ever cared to realize my soul.
I dont know what will become of this mess. I dont even know who I, myself, should become. But I do know that I loved you both very dearly. You both have been influential and significant to my becoming for several years. You both are a part of me.
Now bid you both an adieu.
Sincerely,
Cari

delete

you have deleted the photos of him with me
the ones at the wedding,
when i wore a dress that took me two weeks to decide on
the wedding that left me locked in a bathroom crying
before getting drunk and forgetting
and smoking a cigar on the corner with the homeless man
in a city i would call my own
the night before i left to college
with my hair short blonde,
the best haircut i have had in my life
it was the night i stayed up past sleeplessness
fleeting from lover to lover
the hours before anxiety set in,
a terrible rash across my body you couldn't see then,
but under my skin, in those photos you deleted

violet hour

i miss my father

the smell of cigarettes on his worn hands

and on his carhart collared shirt

the way his arms would wrap around me

the kiss he would place on my mouth; i would no sooner whip off with the back of my hand.

i miss my friend

her low voice on the other line

or her dark eyes staring back at mine

gently sharing whispers from soul to soul

as we talked through feelings only she would understand after years of standing by my side

i miss the daisies

their simple yellow faces

and velvet creme crowns

eager to meet my own

as i plucked their beautiful bodies and gathered them in my fist as family
i miss the rain
the tears that fell in exchange for mine 
cooling the early sun
beating against an open window
giving way to everything hidden underneath from uncontrollable time passing

i miss the violet hour

how the moon would feel on my back

the gravel against my bare feet

the stars closing their eyes to the new day

the moment when breath would loose its place in my lungs; making a loneliness inside sparkle

recently [those]

i have been telling those who ask, "i am finally happy; happier than i have ever been."
those reply, "i am happy for you."
but i return to this page and try to write those feelings that come up when life spins silent.
those feelings that grab the back of my throat.
those images that shake my mind.
those parts of me no one knows.
and all of those things that prove those first words of mine to be,
dramatically,
false.