I am truly blessed

After 13 hours of wiping up crumbs, playing with dolls, rinsing little fingers, wiping little mouths, filling cookie trays, washing dishes, folding boxes, rocking and standing and crawling and chasing down little girls- I sit down at the end of this day and feel truly blessed.


7:30 A.M. I am up before my roommate. This NEVER happens. When she does get up we decide to meet for coffee at Starbucks in 15. I tell her about my dream from last night as our triple grande soy lattes arrive on the counter. We wish each other a good day.


While playing Ponies Save The Mermaids with four year old Charlee, I discovered the meaning of "REAL life." Imaginary worlds, simple pleasures, and anything that can sparkle your eyes or your hands.


Later in the day, Charlee spent forty five beautiful minutes mixing paints on construction paper. She told me a story as her frazzled brush dipped in and out of colors carelessly- "This is me in my mummas tummy." A purple circle with orange and red lines falling from the edges sat on top of a blue triangle. Inside was a little black stick figure (Charlee in her mothers womb.) She continued, "My daddy brought my mummy lots of flowers and balloons when I was in the hospital." Swirled gooey blobs of yellow and green outlined the abstract figures. Charlee stopped then, looked up at me, and dipped her brush into the brown paint. Painting over the black stick figure baby with brown she said, "You know, I was supposed to be black when I came out...but I turned out brown...cause that's just the way God wanted me."


As 2 P.M. approached I prepared the girls for 'quiet time.' Charlee watched Little Bear in the den, but could not keep from dancing around the room as she stared at the screen. I told her to try and lay down, and I would be back in five minutes after CC took her bottle. A long five minutes passed and CC fell asleep like an angel. Returning to the room, a second angel lay on the couch; her frizzy black curls framing a suddenly exhausted profile. I turned off Nick Jr., picked Charlee up, and tucked her into bed.
It took only fifteen minutes before the silence was interrupted. CC stood in her crib, big brown eyes dewy and sad, her blankey over her shoulder and nook in her mouth. I picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair. Chest to chest we rocked back and forth; her little hands wrapped around my arms. The room glowed a quiet pink. The rocker squeaked ever-so-slightly. My body rested.


A lady at Gloriosos tonight, after realizing my exhaustion, asked how i was. I told her about my second job as a nanny for two little girls. She looked at me and said, "everything happens for a reason."


My eyes now hang from their sockets. I talk to my mother on the phone. I wait to call my father after ten. "You talk to your daddy the same way I talk to mine." - Charlee


I need to shower. I need sleep. Scott will come after playing his show at Rustico. With my hair pilled on top of my head and not a stitch of makeup on, he will come through the door, "Hello Pretty." His beautiful blue eyes will stare into mine and our noses will touch as we hold each other and talk about our day. He will remind me how wonderful my life is, and I will tell him I know. I do.


Abby said I had this coming for me; that I deserve all this. I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am so happy with my everyday routines. I am so blessed.

big fish

you woke me up from a bad dream in the middle of the night.

i asked how you knew it was bad.

you told me my face was sad, my body was twitching, and my fists were clenched.

i smiled and you kissed my forehead. 

"They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true.
What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up."

know this...

1. daisies are the best kind of weed

2. swing sets set me free

3. baking is theraputic

4. most of my bad habits i enjoy

5. my moments are my masterpieces

6. 2 a.m. is always prime time

7. yellow is not only a color

8. i want a piano and a motorcycle

9. please let me take care of you

10. red rugs are magical

11. a full moon fills space between people

12. foxes are good karma

13. coffee will not keep me up

14. i would really enjoy holding your baby mam

15. showers get the hottest after midnight

16. trees talk to each other

17. impulses should not be regreted

18. plans are only 12% effective after 12 hrs.

19. if you are here, i want you to be

20. im a sucker for sweet words

SDN

the noon sun, hazy through my curtians
your searching blue eyes, quiet like the morning
skin so warm, the blankets are abandoned
no words are spoken, as your hands sweep my sides
thoughts of midnight hours, dance between us
as much as we both want it, we dismiss it
and when it is right, it will be.
but until then, stay til the afternoon
and let your fingers run my backbone
and your arms hold my body
so broken, so haunted
so desperately wanting,
love will be born again with you.
a better child, raised up in winter
slowly taught how to walk, how to speak
truth, neither of us have been fond of
conceived in the darkest hour
brought into the harsh of december
january shows signs of being mild
and letting this love grow

Paper 3

rather than writing my paper...
i consider buying an indian motorcycle. listening to the royal tenebaums soundtrack.
"hey jude."
i day dream about joshua tree national park. maybe in march.
"look at me, who am i supposed to be."
another cup of coffee with the window open. cross legged on my red rug.
"stephanie says."
January something or another.

50's Birthday Party

c. December 10, 2011. The First Night

Since then, 

stories have been told

and laughs have been shared. 

I have told you my truths; the secrets I have kept.

 You make me believe everything will be okay,

that I am okay,

and that I am beautiful. 

My mother named me Cari