"Bing" at 11:37

i "bing" searched grass.
it was exhilarating to see all of them.
my long lost lovers.
swaying and smiling.
they miss me just as much as i miss them.
and thats why i love them.
my heart goes out into cyberspace.
while i go back to class.

Lose It

what does it feel like to lose it?

does it feel like when you were little and on the playground
swinging from monkey bars with the other kids
pretending the wood chips were fire
and your hands began to ache and sweat
and then you started to slip?

or does it compare to loosing your first tooth
after biting into an apple, or a piece of toast
that sense of victory
and becoming of oneself?

maybe its like going on vacation
and knowing you forgot your toothbrush when your on the plane?
...
like climbing out of your window at night
and taking a long walk without shoes on
...
like sledding down the biggest hill into traffic
...
or eating the cookie dough with raw eggs




i think i am losing it.

The Sun Shines

a couple nights ago.
i feel like shit, but i think the lace reflects prettily on my brown skin. for a once.
the night feels nice, but the wind outside is disheartening. too bitter for my frail heart.
my bed feels big and empty, but my body still warms the sheets. it still works and runs.
i think of You way too much, but it makes my mind a little more bearable. thank You.

today.
the sun shines. the sky is blue. and clear. the roads are dry. my house is locked. i cant run. so i visit my grandma. and eat lemon pudding.
i dont feel so much like shit anymore.
after eating lemon pudding. and visiting my grandma. and not running. i relax instead. because my house is locked. the roads are still dry. the skys blue. and the sun shines.

(the sun still shines!)

later.
i think i will go and buy a plant.
happy birthday little one.

Jill

so there is this girl named Jill.
shes better than me.
in every single way.
except when it comes to directions.
or getting away with things.
or doing her hair.
or getting a date.
but i suppose she doesnt care about those things.

not like i do.

she is brilliant you see.
always does her homework.
always gets the right answer.
always remembers.

Not like me.
I forget.
my mind twirls.
hers is right on.

last night she wore her chemistry shirt.

a green t-shirt with quotes from her teacher and the periodic table on the front.
the green complimented the red in her hair.
but the rest of it made no sense.
i never took chemistry.
only four years of art.

Something about a Shuffle

An old man came in for a pasty.
Just one hot pasty.
Without rutabaga this time.
He told me about some person,
who went to some place,
and did some thing.
He said he just got out of church.
and something about a shuffle and the ice.
He was going to watch the football game later.
and then have his pasty for dinner.
He smiled and i smiled back.
Laughing was hard on him
but he still enjoyed it i think.
He said he just needs someone to talk to him every once and a while.
(i know that feeling.)
I told him to have a good day.
I really ment it.
And then he left.

I am scared to be lonely.

Go

i have to get out of here.

fast.

my surroundings eat me alive.

taking my body first
then my mind
my heart and my soul.

i have no thoughts.

(none of my own.)

i crave my own movement.

a rhythm i have created.
and no one knows.
walk with my own shadow.
only my own.

my own desires.
my own skin.

i crawl out of this one.

on my hands and knees.

towards something bigger.
begging the universe to provide me this.

asking politely.

please.

i am so lost.
and entirely taken.

Thought Process

Another life I have been born and have died there all the same.
It has been a lifetime ago.
Time is true now; the world cradles me and has taken over.
Before self destruction.
Suddenly I realize this true place and become stronger with the recognition.
Self worth becomes apparent for the first time.
The people who I never thought would be there are there, and they watch my very first steps.
Truly believing in my tattered soul.
I cant believe myself yet.
Its like a dream you know you'd have to dream sooner or later and you know it will be okay.