Outside your car/In my head

" I am thankful for this conversation because I understand your face again. It makes me happy to understand you. I just want to understand you."

You know that you want to be your best for that person, but its scary because you have never seen your best.

Love is believing in another's lies.

This is what love feels like.

I drive down the road next to Lake Michigan
After waking up in your bed.
I am running late, but I feel at peace.
When the alarm rang, you hit snooze
over and over again
and I decided to lay on your chest until quarter after.
Time was against us.
Getting up our held hands lingered.
In your bathroom I washed my face.
As I put on makeup
you leaned your head against my bare back.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too."
You didn't open your eyes.
The muscles in your body were still relaxed.
Back in bed I kissed you a million times more.
Its quarter to nine.
"Have a wonderful day."
"You too beautiful."

this August

Central Time is hard

to get used to.

And it is August.

Of course it is no other time than August.

I keep thinking

i need a plant.

All of my loves. 

I hold them all in colors other than green. 

I was once told  Old Habits

die hard. 

Altogether it was merlot.

That, and the lack of sleep

and morals?

 

Who Am I Today?

I always believed, if you love someone, tell them every time you feel it.

23 Thoughts

1. Prove is the opposite of Passion

2. I think of all of the rooms of my existence and what is inside of them.
I think of all of your rooms I existed in.
Belong is the present tense of Exist
When I am in your rooms I belong.
And then "the time" comes and I exist. 
(And not only. Only should never be used in front of the word exist.)

3. Why do I feel my life is a movie?
My favorite person in my life discovered he is an actor.
Ironically - our "stars aligned."
And before that my favorite person discovered he was a singer.
And before that my favorite person discovered he was a writer.
And before that I had no favorite people so I discovered I was a painter.
And before that I was born.

4. Now, I do what I feel.
Feel is the biggest word in the dictionary.
Ache is the longest word in the dictionary.
Love can be found somewhere in the middle.

5. My dictionary is written backwards.
Perspective come before Observation.

L M N O P

6. Q is for queen. I was taught that as a little girl.

P O N M L K J I 

7. I wish I was here.

I don't want to fight anymore. But I am not sure I can live with out it.

Dad says I have to choose the right ones. He also told me, 

"You only have one fight in high school you can get away with."

And he was wrong.
I got away with many fights. But I will fight smarter now. I will choose the fights that are life-giving.
Oxygen to worn out lungs.

8. There is this song that I have listened to it it sings,

"Is it true? Could this heart be made for you?"

Once a heart is made, it does not grow. You are born with the same size heart you have now. (Scientifically this is not true. Figuratively it is.)
A heart swells. And sometimes a heart breaks from too little. And sometimes a heart bursts from too much.
Like my art, my heart is inside of me. But I believe my (he)art should be created over and over again to share with others.
Fill the world with yellow hearts.

9. How does one survive?
The older we get, the more vices we make excuses for. I think some peoples hearts become farther from their brains, and their bodies - their tools - disintegrate. And once their bodies are gone, their hearts and brains are the only things left. But they don't know how to use them.
I have no accurate image of my body. When I close my eyes, I cannot picture myself. I can picture any other person or thing, but I cannot picture myself.

10. My sister hates the word sexy. I love sexy.
Sexy is alcohol and drugs.
Sexy is being naked during the day.
Sexy is that one song that sways.
Sexy is wearing eyeliner in heaven.
Sexy is dripping paint on canvas.
Sexy is giving head in the morning.
Sexy is on the beach.
Sexy is skin and teeth.
Sexy is deep...
and a cigarette afterwards.

11. Please keep being new. Lets make these nights last til one thousand mornings from now.

12. Why not get high after getting high?
Why not get drunk when feeling sober?
Keep a light on, cause shadows are the only things keeping time.

13. Waiting for something is a way to slow down time. Sometimes sleep is a way of waiting. Even after the sun has circled the world, one can still be waiting for the same thing. I am still waiting.
The Lady in Waiting.

14. Sunset is around 8:30 P.M. now-a-days. It is July and winter is closing in. Soon everything will be dead. Sooner than that - I will be broke.

15. What is the purpose of a one-armed, side-ways, hug?

16. I wonder (what is a word deeper than wonder?) what it will be like to have a child.
child- a literal extension of oneself.
Sometimes I think I should never have a child...that it would be better for everyone if I did not. But then you wrote down #7 on a napkin at a bar called Foundations.
foundation- the underlying basis or principle of something.

17. Never devalue a good occasion.

18. Its kind of a funny thing that for the first time in my life - I don't want to escape.
I used to want to escape for something more, something different, something called love.
I have learned I am love. I am love and I don't want to escape myself. I want to run and grow and live as myself. Plus - love has the most numbers below it's definition in the dictionary.

19. You pulled at my skin, just to know it was there.
You are the only one to do that, besides me.

20. Music makes sense because it has a beat.
Dancing makes sense because it has a beat.
Sex makes sense because it has a beat.
My heart makes sense because it has a beat.

21. I will teach my child that if you believe you are gold, gold you shall be believed.

22. Heaven- a place where body and brain is separated and only soul is present.

23. I spent the night smoking, drinking, and writing. Am I wasted?

 

 

I think, therefore I am.

I think I am delusional sometimes.
I might be suffering from a mental illness.
If romance is an illness, there is no doubt I will die from this disease.

I think I am lonely sometimes.
I might be talking holes through walls.
If conversation is between two, there is fault in finding comfort in ones own head.

I think I am in love sometimes.
I might be kissing souls who disappear.
If a heart dances on the stars, there is paths for worlds to align. 

"I love you Today."

I cannot stop smiling. A true smile.
(I catch glances of myself in her mirror, and it is me? it is Yellow.)

All is right in the world.

New York and your beautifulls.
My soul and her favorite.
You and Your love you too.
Collect moments.
Feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Yell at the top of your lungs... in a row boat when its raining.
Come home and sleep in the sun.
Get naked and dance.
Write.
Remember.
Heal.
Stop biting your tongue.
All is right in the world.
Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
Appreciation is something that grows.
His garden.
Their presence.
I have so many beautiful people in my life.
I love you. (I will always tell you "one more time.")

All is right in the world.  

he said he broke his wrist. summer fest. choe just moved in. vodka and tequila - on the rocks.

Don't question memory.
When you do - you neglect the initial reaction.
And first instincts says something.

12:10pm

i reread the text messages
i write them down on paper
i look through your pictures
again and again
and again
i listen to those songs
on repeat
the disconnect is so strong.

i apply for jobs all over the united states.
the position here is a thousand pounds
of unanswered questions
and too (two) important decisions

i dont sleep.
i drink too much.
i smoke too much.
i eat too much.
i dont paint
as much as i should.

fools in love
is better than one fool alone
in thoughts deeper and darker
than the expanse the night sky
i sit under
with eyes as wide as stars.

Nothing about the card. Nothing about Brooklyn

(Dog Sees God)

Home

How are you feeling?

Really good. Really whole.

How about you?

:) Super good. Would you be in for a late night walk/run/anything?

I think I'm too tired for that tonight. I exercised earlier?

Thats totally understandable. I just thought id ask. My brain is pretty heavy tonight.

I can totally understand having a heavy brain tonight. F'ing Shit! Ugh!

F'n Dog sees God. Palindrome. 

Zactly!

Its good for me- Doesnt necessarily feel good, but i will make peace with it, ith all of it.

Anyways- great show! I am not trying to take away from that. You were really impressive!

Thanks, but thats already almost over. How are you feeling significant.

It resonates - in more ways than you know. Its just hard cause its a very lonely resonation.

Explain. What's the resonation?

I cant possibly over text. I mean the play was so wonderful, I know it resonates for a lot of people. But because of my personal history - i can only validate certain experiences of my past. And that statement is even tied up in so many things. It just gets a little heavy sometimes.

Bam! Art!

Its a meaningful work

Ha yes. yes. And experiences come into a persons life at specific times for reasons beyond full understanding. But how do you handle moments of weakness?

Explain what you mean by weakness.

And still stay independent? Fascinating maybe? How do you heal without full recognition of the past, apart from the tangled web of another persons delicate life?

Specifically...?

I cant get specific.

Remember my feelings on secrets? Perfectly ordinary experiences (shined upon in dog sees god) left unrecognized - ferment and become a sweet nostalgic poison. A full day of life in limbo, leaves a deep void i choose to forget on most days. But today you were a part of it- so I feel myself leaning towards you. I'm sorry. I'll be better tomorrow.

You fell asleep?

and in a sick way, I know I am only testing you. This is your first test. your initiation. Because my heart is raw where you exist. And the parts that are recovered remain as scabs. Still fresh to the healing process.

I share the closest and most dear things in my life with you - my art, my past. Dont you want to know me?

Its no wonder you choose to fall asleep. It gets difficult, too deep, too close to my/your heart, and the evacuation process begins.

At the same time, who am I to demand or expect this kind of response from you? Because I am falling in love with you? I should reconsider it all. This is no reason to be vulnerable, to expose this of yourself. Why would I want to compromise your beautiful life? With my heavy heavy and oh so messy life. I bite my tongue to stay out of it all. But the blood is bitter- such a familiar taste. I doubt a million times over again.

You have no idea & it is better that way.

I revert to being "fascinating."

At least I can be that. 

Youth- Daughter.

Happy F'n Father's Day. 

"Are you proud of me dad?"

"I am. But I see you hurt. Choose your battles. Fight the good fight Care."

I am Anais Nin. My soul has whispered what she has wrote.

I see myself and my life each day differently. What can I say? The facts lie. I have been Don Quixote, always creating a world of my own. I am all the women in the novels, yet still another not in the novels. It took me more than sixty diary volumes until now to tell about my life. Like Oscar Wilde I put only my art into my work and my genius into my life. My life is not possible to tell. I change every day, change my patterns, my concepts, my interpretations. I am a series of moods and sensations. I play a thousand roles. I weep when I find others play them for me. My real self is unknown. My work is merely an essence of this vast and deep adventure. I create a myth and a legend, a lie, a fairy tale, a magical world, and one that collapses every day and makes me feel like going the way of Virginia Woolf. I have tried to be not neurotic, not romantic, not destructive, but may be all of these in disguises.

It is impossible to make my portrait because of my mobility. I am not photogenic because of my mobility. Peace, serenity, and integration are unknown to me. My familiar climate is anxiety. I write as I breathe, naturally, flowingly, spontaneously, out of an overflow, not as a substitute for life. I am more interested in human beings than in writing, more interested in lovemaking than in writing, more interested in living than in writing. More interested in becoming a work of art than in creating one. I am more interesting than what I write. I am gifted in relationship above all things. I have no confidence in myself and great confidence in others. I need love more than food. I stumble and make errors, and often want to die. When I look most transparent is probably when I have just come out of the fire. I walk into the fire always, and come out more alive. All of which is not for Harper’s Bazaar.
I think life tragic, not comic, because I have no detachment. I have been guilty of idealization, guilty of everything except detachment. I am guilty of fabricating a world in which I can live and invite others to live in, but outside of that I cannot breathe. I am guilty of too serious, too grave living, but never of shallow living. I have lived in the depths. My first tragedy sent me to the bottom of the sea; I live in a submarine, and hardly ever come to the surface. I love costumes, the foam of aesthetics, noblesse oblige, and poetic writers. At fifteen I wanted to be Joan of Arc, and later, Don Quixote. I never awakened from my familiarity with mirages, and I will end probably in an opium den. None of that is suitable for Harper’s Bazaar.

I am apparently gentle, unstable, and full of pretenses. I will die a poet killed by the nonpoets, will renounce no dream, resign myself to no ugliness, accept nothing of the world but the one I made myself. I wrote, lived, loved like Don Quixote, and on the day of my death I will say: ‘Excuse me, it was all a dream,’ and by that time I may have found one who will say: ‘Not at all, it was true, absolutely true.’

May 15th, 2014 - it was your idea

"I never want to sleep again"
(echos through my head.)
You continued to ask me if I could see the lines clearer, the shadows deeper,
the reflections on the glass bottles creating rainbows rather than white smudges.
I rubbed the rest on my teeth like you taught me.
I denied what I was seeing.
Until you leaned over your desk,
with your left arm holding up the rest of your form at an acute angle,
allowing your right hand the freedom to chose the soundtrack
(of my moments.)
The lamp's light finally graced my eyes
with provocative shadows on your sweet skin.
And what do we do with excess energy?
We sit cross legged in each others laps on your living room rug,
swaying.
Two cigarettes,
shared.
My crossed fingers to your lips, your crossed fingers to between mine.
Feeding poison, supplying medicine.
It didn't rain on us.
The cool, wet breeze swept the weight from my naked back.
And you accept me.
You fucking accept me.

I know the devil because I know everything I want.

Validation

Cinco de Mayo - Improv trip to CHI
Max, Liz, Nathan & I. Left at 11:30p.m.
We stop @ the Oasis - coffee and FF.
(Following the rabbit. Arctic Monkeys. Tequila & red wine.)
We get to the hotel, first and foremost, the dudes go over lines. We talked about friendship on the way down. The context transforms and they are so involved and aware of the transformation. After a perfect day, "He's killing it." Everyone is killing it in theater business. But I've been drinking wine, doing drugs - who am i. Where is my responsibility - my role w/o guilt. Unlike these lifelong friendships I speak of. But these people are older - real, raw. And I reconsider the quality of all these adjectives.
-
What is content? What does it mean?
Strip down, do lines, alcohol indicates.
But who is naked?
-
Max being a horrible burden.

(next)
FEELINGS
the cold breeze on my back as I sit on your bed naked listening to you in the next room over.
The crazy shit i tell you - half of it I would never admit to myself.

5/20 @ N's. N's @ rehersal. Bus to Bayshore.
Smells like sweat
Dads skipping with daughters.
"I caught a fish!"
Baby ducks, baby deer.
Relationships...marriage (a far-a-way term)
does it ever work?
"But kids always exceed expectations, in fact they are the only thing that does."
When the weather gets warm, children play outside.
I play outside.
"You would be such a great mother."
My stomach sinks to my dirty feet.
I am a walking contradiction.

(later that night...)
and suddenly it sways between a strange maturity gap, and an endless competition.
between what? what are we competing for?
-
we switch teams, and I'm the only one who doesn't understand the rules.
time overlaps...to Kanye West, I think.

5/3 sometime in the early morning before the sun rises.
"Some people that come into your life are made of moments; and that's all they ever will be."
conversation on moments. how does a moment function outside of itself? it is a decision one must make involved in the moment. you can only hope the shared moments have shared value. but that is a romantic ideal. the most important thing is that those moments shared, manifest individually into something that will house growth. life is all about growing.

nurturer vs. nurtured
how, why, and when are these roles displayed/inhabited?
in what case are these roles instinctive? In what case are these roles taken on to fill a gap?

the idea of a certain role filling a certain gap.
-
i received a compliment today. he said i was fascinating. why do i have such mixed feelings about encompassing this word.

After class at the library..

I lay like a cat on my bed, naked in the sun.
I watch for birds outside my window between closed eyelids.
The breeze is the only thing that caresses my hair.
But I yearn for a loving hand upon my back.

Listening to Chet Baker on a Saturday Night

If there is a god, and if I ever get to meet them, I would have one question for them.
Why do flowers ever have to die?

4/15

chicago was a dream.

lately i live off of sugar and liquor.

i dont eat by myself.

overdue papers can wait.

my days bleed into each other

like ink on pulped paper.

black holes are fun.

To exceed the extent of an initial memory.

Love in a theater
over time.
Sick limes decorate
watered down whiskey.
The kids on stage celebrate
anger.
His friend will ask
my age.
They will laugh at my crown
made of daisies.
You still have gold glitter
on your face.
"Should we go by our picnic spot?"

The bond between boys.

Talk to me about Dale and his eccentric drama dreams.
Talk to me about Jimmy Strange and his chain smoking drag.
Max and Liz sit in the same room, carrying on conversations in their heads.
Bill Nye reclines on the truck bed, smelling like paint.
Talk more about your mother, your children, your ex-wife, your other life.
 The Room mates provocative behavior
while stories are told of the broken lights
and the last cigarette- June 29, 2013.
(West Virginia with Owen and the old lady in a trailer)

Transendence/Room for growth.
"Like a bush...if it over grows, it will choke itself.
If you prune it, it will continue to grow."

lovely freedom

tonight - i accept every part of myself.

 "I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as an ordinary women, to enter ordinary relationships, I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself." 

-  Anais Nin (my hero)

My ideal partner must..

be able to tell colorful stories

entertain the fullness of both a room

and my mind

understand work ethic

value the world

and other people

listen to the lyrics of songs

enjoy nothingness

and overwhelming beauty

write

play

and read

be adventerous

know how to be alone

and coexist

Parking Tickets

For twenty-two years and almost 5 months, I have been raised by two incredible people - Mary Linn and Mark Dulan. I sit on my bed on this Tuesday afternoon, naked, with the windows open and cars and bus's zooming every so often down below. A half done, four foot painting stares at me from the corner of my studio apartment, whispering,

"thesis, thesis, thesis." 

I graduate in May. A turbulent two year relationship looms in the back of my mind.
Anxiety is a bitch.
Despite all of the quiet, yet extremely important things going on in my life at this moment, I clear my brain to thank the universe for my mother and father. If it wasn't for their undying support, I am not sure if I would be sitting her, in my studio apartment, in Milwaukee. You see, my parents have taught me many things and they have taught me in a very specific way. For example:
I had the worst day of my life three days ago. My father called me later in the day and immediately knew something was wrong by the sound of my voice. I began telling him about how Scott and I argued all night, how my manager only scheduled me on for the entire day, how the restaurant was SO BUSY, how I thought it was pay day - but it wasn't, and now I only have .40 to my name, how I got two parking tickets...and my father stops me right there - mid-complaint - and says,

"TWO parking tickets?! Cari common' How could you let that happen?!"

 I flip on him.

"Did you NOT just hear my day?! THAT is HOW it happened! EVERYTHING went to hell on me - weren't you listening?!"

He responds,

"and there was NO ONE you could CALL for HELP?"

At that second I know he is right. I am humbled and disappointed. My father knows I could get through all the rest of the things I was telling him - the relationship issues, work being busy, having no money. But when it comes to something in my control, a responsibility I have, I need to take care of it - even if that means asking for someones help. He knows I try to play super woman way too often. He knows, just like him, I have pride as thick as leather. But he knows how those attributes can get in the way of simple things like moving the vehicle so I don't get a ticket for $50. And it's a simple fix - simple, but not always easy.

October 20, 2013

I am not really sure how I'm going to get through this. But I know I will. I know I have gotten through much worse.

Today - I still fight.

(4 wks. ago)

"I love him."
We know.
But I choose the path that splits at the end,
like the bottoms of my blond strands
that flail to the middle of my back.
"This is hard."
We know.
And waving a white flag is impossible
like a ship without a sail
that continues in circles.
"I am sad."
Oh we know.
So I converse with my shadow,
like a pastor in a graveyard whispering to headstones
sentences no one cares to hear.

Bad Rhymes

I dropped the Y from your name
But the question still remains
I packed a plastic bag with your clothes
But my memories froze
To the time we made chowder
Since then I've yelled louder
Your toothbrush next to mine
I convince others I'm fine
The yellow tiger from the zoo
We were one, now we're two
I am left with haunting doubt
Who were your songs about?

step one: space request forms

seven page
hand written proposal
diagrams on illustrator
thank you miles
with a beer across the street
birds eye, profile, profile
shiny computer paper
floating wall painted yellow
i will build and hollow
pots of wild daisies
video projection
four large paintings
my arm width, my fathers height
will they sit on the couch?
sign the bottom line and date
i am still so young
amateur maybe 
this is my heart
thesis

thesis
seven page
amateur maybe
this is my heart
video projection
thank you miles
i am still so young
pots of wild daisies
four large paintings
shiny computer paper
hand written proposal
diagrams on illustrator
i will build and hollow
birds eye, profile, profile
will they sit on the couch?
with a beer across the street
floating wall painted yellow
sign the bottom line and date
my arm width, my fathers height

Dear World -

Meet Jett Joseph
Please take care of these two souls.
They are my heart and I love them.
May their lives be beautiful.
Be delicate and kind to them.
Embrace them both with positive energy.
Hug them both everyday.
(I would if I could.)
I adore these two.
Happy Birthday.
& Congratulations.




Born 12:31p.m. February 3, 2014
8lbs. 1oz. 20in. 

Four letter conversation

Whether you tell me a story
or write me an essay
Through a conversation
or via text
We are all just trying to be loved.

Soft Love

I want it to feel like when you take your socks off at the end of a long day
and before your feet touch the ground
you tuck them under mounds of blankets, sheets, and quilts.
 

A Love Letter to an Unborn Human

Words can not describe how beautiful this is, what an experience this has been. I have truly been blessed. One week and you come to this world. For the last nine months, you've existed in mine. Before that, I wish I knew, but certainly something this powerful doesn't just manifest itself in a Big Bang rationale. 
I have never met you, never seen you. But I've cared for you like I've never cared for anything else before. I've only felt you briefly, but it's those moments I cherish. You are my treasure. I know how wonderful you are, how beautiful your soul is. This must be what faith is. The believing without seeing. In fact, it goes beyond faith in the same way it goes beyond love.
From the beginning, it has been a journey. In a way, I felt your spirit develop just as I felt your form. It wasn't something that arose from nothing, but I swear I felt you develop consciousness along the way. 
You can't convey your thoughts just yet, but you communicate through my heart each and every day, and everything you are radiates through my chest in perfect rhythmic timing. It's the most incredible thing. I feel as if I am carrying an entire (tiny) universe in my womb. 
This feeling defies any laws of science or religion, but rises about and views both in perfect unison. I've never had an experience with god, but if I did, this would be it. I've never understood my own existence, but I'll never come closer to knowing than right now. And my god, this isn't even the beginning; this is only the prelude.

Written by: Taylor Andrews (S.S.)
January 2014

sorry for not being sorry

my pillow will never shove me out of bed at 2 in the morning and make me walk in the wind and cold.

*note- i will not tolerate disrespect. 

To Create

All of my fears and failures confront me
as I stand in front of a glaring white canvas,
my paintbrush in my hand.
I have known darkness; it is here now.
I have known suffering; it is here now.
I have known heart ache; it is here now.
I have drank poison with so-called lovers,
stabbed myself in the soul with past's haunty pitchfork,
and laughed with the demons and Satan.
They are all here now.
And I will defeat these and the pain to come.
One stroke at a time.
All is well.

2014

Life is precious
Treat others with gentle emotions
Think of others with a delicate mind
Never let time harden your heart
Love those around you
All human beings are beautiful
We all struggle
Praise those who fight
for something better
for something deeper
for something more true

I sit between two families
singing deck the halls
and eyes filled with baby Jesus
or other ghosts from the past.
I attend a wedding
I attend a funeral
I drive back to the city and back

My best friend has a child inside of her

I morn them all.
We are all trying to get by and smile.
And I show my teeth to the world through cracked lips from the bitter cold
I am thankful for this precious life.