Note VII

sometimes i think too much. think too much out loud.
or maybe i am just talking. talking to the wrong person.
would you listen?
i have so much to say.

i attempt to put my past together. my life.
each piece that slides together. becomes more of me.
i grow. as i shrink.
and shrivel. i become more real.
and only You would understand.
or have the chance to understand.
You are so much.
so much of me.

Note VI

i know You are out there.
i can feel You.

and when the living sleep
i relive our memories.

paper heart

your cold metal paper punch executes small wholes from my delicate heart. the pieces sink to the floor; the red shag rug. i am not empty. i am not whole. others can see through these holes. they see themselves.

Letter

Dear Catherine,

I love you more than anyone in the world. You are my baby sister; my other half. Make mum happy- for i cannot. Remind dad that you will never leave him. Know i am always with you. Not physically; but if you close your eyes tight enough, i am there, with you, in the deepest part of your head (in all of your memories.) Thats were i find you when things get hard. Keep being happy. You are my hope in life. Dont be afraid. You will do great!

Your Sister.

back to the city

my bitter world
filled with bitter words.
sticking to my skin, cluttering my sight, inducing my pain, controlling my breathing, stiffening my lips, slowing my stride,
as i move through time.



i wonder...
if i remove them,
will i remove myself?

Here

My emotions are strong here. Stronger than they should be. Overwhelming actually. I can barely function sometimes.

The problem begins when I wake up. I still do not recognize this place as my dwelling, my home. It is too safe, too simple; therefore unrecognizable.

My home here is in my work. When i am busy, i am comfortable. When i am not, i become stagnant. I rot away at myself, chewing apart my desires and impulses. My missing spots hurt and ache and fester.

I begin to run. Through every part of my mind. I visit places i shouldn't, and tear into wounds that have scabbed over. I question if this is my minds way of reaching for creativity; the constant stretch. Here, we are asked to think deeper. This is my deeper. This dark place. A place filled with anger, frustration, and sadness.

But things will grow here; beautiful things. The ground is saturated with nutrients. It is my bodies secret garden, this painful place. And from my struggles, grow my strengths. It is who i am, way deep down. I am a pile of hurt.

Creative and lonely.

right track

I believe I am on the right track.

king

you act as though you are a king.
well i was born a queen.

Should vs. Shouldn't

My baby sister started her first day of her senior year yesterday. I hope she learns what she should, and does what she shouldn't. I don't mean this in a terrible way, but in a very real way. Don't be afraid to mess up. One of my professors told me, "Making mistakes is the fastest way to perfection."- Morgan Kennedy



CLASS RULES “10 RULES FOR STUDENTS” by John Cage

Rule One - Find a place you trust. Then try trusting it for a while.
Rule Two - Pull everything out of your teacher.
Rule Three - Pull everything out of your fellow students.
Rule Four- Consider everything an experiment.
Rule Five- Be Self-Disciplined. This means finding someone wise or smart and choosing to follow them. To be disciplined is to follow in a good way. To be self-disciplined is to follow in a better way.
Rule Six- Follow the leader. Nothing is a mistake. There is no win and fail. There is only making!
Rule Seven- Work. If you work; it will lead to something. It is the people who work all of the time who eventually catch onto things.
Rule Eight- Do not try to create and analyze at the same time. They are different processes.
Rule Nine- Be happy whenever you can manage it. Enjoy yourself. It is lighter than you think.
Rule Ten- Leave room for the "X" qualities. Break all the rules, even your own rules.

I have been taught so far to always question. Ask a lot of whys? and hows? Always think. And then think deeper. Use your imagination and be aware of where you are in space. Do what you are passionate about, and work at it. Always be true to your soul and never hold your head higher than your heart.

Vincent Van Gogh once said "What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything."

First Week

"Ghosts seem harder to please than we are; it is as though they haunted for haunting’s sake -- much as we relive, brood, and smoulder over our pasts." Elizabeth Bowen

i can feel these ghosts returning.
they have found me.

Playing House

I feel like a little girl playing house.


I have my little house
my little plants
my little cups and little spoon.
I sleep in a little bed
and have a little closet.
I go to work in a big city
with big sounds
and big people.
I walk on a big street
to a big school
to meet big people.
Then i take my big work
and go back to my little house.
I work and work and work and call all of the children to make sure they are eating their vegetables and talking to God.