(written March 31)
I trade an on time arrival to my Pre-Calc class for a long drag on my morning coffee. First tardy of the new marking period, last marking period of my high school life. I could have made the class on time; i just chose not to. Now in class i look out the second story window. March snow swirls against a pale grey sky. Today is colder than yesterday.
Yesterday i ignored my Monday schedule. I skipped the first five hours, only to return to Pottery and English. I shared the newborn sunshine with you through car windows. we filled our absence from reality with caffeine and easy conversation. My eyes stung with exhaustion as you told stories sparkling with college parties, alcohol, drugs, and freedom. The words you spoke fatigued my rebellious heart that hung in my ribcage. Mono floated through my bloodstream and previous nights without sleep still weighted my bones. My stomach twisted, angry from lack of food. I ignored it and the past 48 hours. My concentration was purely on your presence. As we drove, i gazed at your profile. I forgot about high school, uneasy friends, and my torn family. I forgot about myself.
Blanketed with ice for months before, the frigid water begins to thaw. The sun yearns to warm the dark, cold depths. Reality pulls me to the bottom. My bloated body rises to the surface; it's pale composure my flag of surrender. Thoughts swirl away from my unconscious mind.
Mothers stern face hiding layers of concern and worry as she spells out failures. Sisters confident composure yelling words of disappointment to a streaked face. Fathers lack of affection, dismissing the words long to be heard, that he haven't been spoken for weeks. Rock back and forth, back and forth. Hands grasping its own shoulders. Rock back and forth, back and forth. Thoughts poisoning a empty mind. Back and forth. A dark room catches bitter tears. Back and forth. Sleep comes slowly.
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