4 a.m. friday night.

I get so weird. I get so caught up in my head. In my thoughts. In all my hopes and desires. My past haunts me. (But not like you think it does.) Even on nights like tonight, when nothing should be wrong - it is. It all is.

It started with that word. That damned four letter word. The one that has been caught in the back of my throat - surprisingly unfamiliar when it comes to you my dear. It now gags me.

I could vomit when I look into your eyes - I am so sick in love with you it scares the shit out of me. And it's such a real feeling. A good feeling, that everything will be alright (when i look into those eyes.) I crave for you to hold me and promise to never go. Promise I will be okay, and that it will always feel this way with you.

The uncertainty kills me. It slowly carves away at a once so hopeful heart.

I fear rejection. I fear loneliness. Most of all - I fear myself. This damned head of mine so caught up in you. I only hope you feel the same way.

And nights like tonight I could keep you up in conversation - drunk on wine and hours past exhaustion. Only then would we be able to tap into what is really wrong. Because nothing is. I just want I just need to tell you... I love you so very very much (to hear it echo back to my hollow aching heart.)

I feel like I make things up. I see my loved ones for their ideals; I see them and care for them and love them for all that they could so honestly be. (I would spend the rest of my time building and growing and fighting for all you are, and all you mean to me. I would do this, I know, because I love you. Deeply - crazy, intense, heart felt (most literally) love you.)

And it kills me not to tell you. To say it aloud. Not in order to confirm it, or even hear it back, but to set it free. To let it grow and breath, like good love does.

Hold me now, when I crawl back in bed, because honestly, I feel like crying. I feel like breaking down into a million little pieces. This is too much and I can't let it go. Because I want you to know... I love you. I love you. I love you. 

But I will wait, patiently. I will hold my breath, clench my jaw, and bite my tongue. Forgive me if the conversation leads to "I don't knows." I know nothing else. I want it to mean as much as it feels to me. I want it to hold weight when it finally crosses air. I want it to sink deep inside of you (like you have sunk into me.) I want it to be like never before. And as each day passes- it proves that it is. This is all so different than all the times before.