Now that everyone has left my house, I face the girl in the mirror. The girl who ate too much and forgot to take her medication. She is the girl with the lover who speaks to her heart, miles away. The man she has had for so long, doesnt want her anymore. She is the girl who talks about dying her hair, dropping out of school, hoping trains. She doesnt finish her writing homework - two weeks late already. She types too much, thinks too much, and the water never gets hot enough. Her face is too round, her thighs touch, and she hasn't shaved her legs in a while. The teddy on her bed reminds her of the fight she has been for years now. She wants to call her dad. She wants to close her eyes; but these thoughts, this headache above her eyebrows. She thinks about her grandma, about dying, about winter solstice. The plans in her mind chase away her loneliness. She is scared to get up and go to school in the morning. Scared to pick out her clothes. She hates that she hasn't exercised in 5 days. She pinches her sides, and thinks about all the food she ate. She tells her roommate she's okay. She listens to her mother on the phone. She doesnt feel much like talking. Or answering texts. Yet she sends one more- out of desperation. Sadness. Emptiness. She thinks about sending mail. A letter to blue, a box of bars to him. Maybe she should apologize to jake. She could have drank wine with alec, visited brad in riverwest. But she came home early from class, took a nap, covered herself in blankets, tried to get something finished. But nothing is. Not her paper, or her drawings, or her thoughts in her head. The bitter November rain falls against her city window. She cashes in, and calls it a day.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be better.
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